Life After Tokyo – What’s Next?
东京之后的生活——下一步是什么?
Published September 1, 2021
by Lily Zhang（张安）
来源：https://joola.com/life-after-tokyo-whats-next/?refer_uri_app=douban://douban.com/group/topic/255173771?event_source=joined_group_list&group_id=729066&user_id=208080484&refer=douban%3A%2F%2Fdouban.com%2Fgroup%2F729066%3Fevent_source%3Djoined_group_list
I’ve started, trashed, and restarted this post too many times to count by now. It’s been almost 3 full weeks since the flame flickered out in Tokyo and as I sit down to write this, I feel a bit at loss for words. There’s a multitude of feelings snaking, swirling their way around and through me, feelings of gratefulness, heartbreak, even numbness, each clambering to claim their solitary throne in my head. A jumbled mess.
到现在为止，我已经开始，作废，并重新开始这篇文章太多次了。自从东京的圣火熄灭以来，已经整整三个星期了，当我坐下来写这篇文章的时候，我仍然感到有点不知所措。有许多种感觉在我的脑海中蜿蜒盘旋，感恩的感觉、心碎的感觉、甚至麻木的感觉，每种感觉都争先恐后地想要在我的脑海中独享王位。乱七八糟的。
This probably won’t be like my usual blog posts that are often peppered with positivity and words of encouragement. An easily digestible lesson you can take away at the end. I could write that despite the pandemic and postponement of the games, I bounced back to train with ferocious intensity and motivation. I could tell you that I had the time of my life in Tokyo. I could even say that I’m itching to get back on the table, to resume a mentally and physically demanding training schedule. Everyone loves a success story. Unfortunately, that’s not often the truth. I mean, you would never be able to tell by my Instagram, but that’s social media for you, isn’t it?
这可能不会像我平常的博客文章那样，经常夹杂着积极和鼓励的话。这是一个很容易消化的教训，你可以在最后带走。我可以这样写，尽管发生了疫情，奥运会也被推迟了，但我还是以强烈的强度和动力恢复了训练。我可以告诉你，我在东京度过了一生中最美好的时光。我甚至可以说，我渴望回到球台上，重新开始一个对精神和身体都要求很高的训练计划。每个人都喜欢成功的故事。不幸的是，事实往往并非如此。我的意思是，你永远无法从我的Instagram上看出来，但那是一个为了你们的社交媒体，不是吗?
We’re all fine online. No, not just fine. Thriving. We post the best parts of our life, subtly boasting to the world. Look at all the wonderful places I get to travel to! Check out this aesthetically pleasing plate of avocado toast! How terribly easy it is to pretend. The shimmering rays of sunshine we beam proudly on the surface, the icebergs we bury so deeply beneath.
我们在网上都很好。不，不只是很好，而是蓬勃发展。我们把生活中最美好的部分贴出来，巧妙地向全世界炫耀。看看我旅行去的那些美妙的地方！看看这盘赏心悦目的鳄梨吐司吧！假装是多么容易啊。我们在水面上骄傲地映射出闪烁的阳光，而将冰山隐藏在深深水下。
My feed is no different. The truth is, this year has been one of the toughest years of my life. I’ve struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety in the past, but it’s never been worse than the past year. Yes, there have been some incidents in the year that have deeply exacerbated my mental health decline and perhaps one day, I will feel ready to share, but for now, please bear with me as I try and articulate my experience as best I can.
我的经历也不例外。事实上，今年是我人生中最艰难的一年。过去我也曾与抑郁和焦虑作斗争，但从来没有比去年更糟糕。是的，这一年里发生了一些事件，严重加剧了我的心理健康下降，也许有一天，我会准备好了再分享，但现在，请原谅我，我只能尝试尽我所能地阐述我的经历。
The months that led up to Tokyo felt like a blur. All the days bleeding into one. Every time someone asked how I was doing, I’d clench my fists and desperately try to hold in the tears that would bubble up, threatening to spill over. The words that came out told a different story. I’m doing great!, I’d say. I wasn’t great. But how could I tell them the truth? That it’s been sleeping all day but feeling constantly tired. Crying into the pillow until my eyelids swelled in grotesque size. Scrambling to cover the red puffy splotches with makeup the next day. Being overcome with violent waves of nausea without explanation. Feeling impossibly overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks. And it’s not that I didn’t want to dispel this suffocating weight. Many times I have come close to opening up, but was afraid to put a damper on the mood or cause any discomfort. The last thing anyone wants to be is a burden. So instead, I’d put on a smile and lie through my teeth, feeling like the biggest fraud on the planet.
去东京之前的几个月感觉就像一团浆糊。所有的日子都汇聚在一起。每次有人问我过得怎么样，我就握紧拳头，拼命忍住泪水，不让它满溢出来。然而这些话却变成了另一个故事。我做的很好！我想说。我并不是很好。但我怎么能告诉他们真相呢？即使睡了一整天，却总感觉很累。趴在枕头上哭，直到我的眼皮肿得奇形怪状，第二天匆忙用化妆品盖住红肿的斑点。无缘无故地被剧烈的恶心感所打倒，即使是最小的任务也让人感到难以承受。并不是我不想消除这令人窒息的重量。很多次，我几乎要敞开心扉了，但我害怕破坏气氛或引起任何不适。谁都不想成为负担。所以，我只好面带微笑，满口谎言，感觉自己是世界上最大的骗子。
I tried to ignore the signs, to focus the little energy I could muster on this singular goal. The Games. It was the only thing that mattered. I refused therapy, neglected self-care, pushed away loved ones, and isolated myself, all the while convincing myself that it was simply unrelenting dedication to my craft. The more I withdrew, the more this aching tiredness sunk its unforgiving teeth into my bones, building a comfortable home for itself there. Without even realizing it, I had become a shell of a human, a stranger to myself. The eyes that stared back at me in the mirror were sunken, empty, broken. No, they were not my own.
我试图忽略这些迹象，把我能集中的一点精力集中在这个单一的目标上。奥运会，这是唯一重要的事情。我拒绝接受治疗，忽视自我照顾，推开所爱的人，孤立自己，同时让自己相信，这只是对我职业的不懈奉献。我越是退缩，这种痛苦的疲倦就越是无情地咬进我的骨头，甚至在那里安家落户。我甚至没有意识到，我已经变成了一个空空的躯壳，一个陌生人。在镜子里盯着我的眼睛凹陷，空洞，破碎。不，它们不是我自己的。
By the time Tokyo rolled around, I was in complete disarray on the inside. The stress and adrenaline from the Games propelled me through my matches, but they were unremarkably average. I reached the third round in Women’s Singles, the same round as my 2016 Rio run. At the time, I attributed this devastating, yet strangely peaceful feeling eating at me directly after the match in part due to the fact that I wasn’t able to improve my result from the last Games. But I only now understand it was relief. Relief that it was all finally just over.
当东京奥运会开始举行时，我的内心已经完全混乱了。奥运会带来的压力和肾上腺素促使我完成了比赛，但它们并不是显著平均的。我进入了女子单打的第三轮，和我2016年在里约奥运会的比赛是同一轮。当时，我认为，在赛后出现这种毁灭性的，但奇怪的平静的感觉，部分原因是我没能比上一届奥运会取得更好的成绩。但我现在才明白，那是解脱感。终于结束了，我松了一口气。
Only a day later, news broke out that Simone Biles had withdrawn from the gymnastics team finals. I was stunned. What’s crazier is that my immediate reaction to the large headline plastered across my phone wasn’t hey is she okay?, but rather, how is the team going to win gold without her now? Process that for a second. In my warped, twisted mind, winning meant more than health.
仅仅一天之后，西蒙·拜尔斯(Simone Biles)退出体操队决赛的消息就传开了。我惊呆了。更疯狂的是，当我看到手机上的大标题时，我的第一反应不是“她还好吗？”，却是，现在没有她，队里怎么能赢得金牌？思考了片刻后，我才发现，在我扭曲的头脑中，胜利居然比健康更重要。
You know, I always thought I could handle everything by myself. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. Athletes push and push themselves to the limit, to the brink of exhaustion. No pain, no gain. But what happens when the pain becomes too much? Well, if it’s a physical injury, we take a break. We go to numerous doctor’s appointments, assess the point of injury, and put in the necessary time and effort to rehabilitate. There are no questions, no comments, no doubts about why we treat the hurt.
你知道吗，我一直以为我能自己处理好一切。寻求帮助是软弱的表现。运动员们不断地把自己推向极限，推向疲惫的边缘。没有付出就没有收获。但当疼痛过度时会发生什么呢？如果是身体上的伤，我们就休息一下。我们去看了很多医生，评估伤处，投入必要的时间和精力来恢复。对于我们为什么要治疗伤痛，我们没有任何问题，没有任何评论，没有任何疑问。
What about the other side of the spectrum? While there have been efforts to create safe spaces for athletes to seek help, there are still significantly fewer resources allocated towards mental health. Most of all, it’s the stigma that dissuades many athletes from taking the first step. There’s shame, guilt, humiliation. Because it’s not a broken arm or a strained hamstring, because the pain isn’t visible to the naked eye, then there must be something deeply wrong with you. You, as a person.
那么光谱的另一边呢？虽然已经努力为运动员创造寻求帮助的安全空间，但用于心理健康的资源仍然少得多。最重要的是，正是这种耻辱感阻止了许多运动员迈出第一步。羞耻，内疚，屈辱。因为这不是骨折的手臂或拉伤的腿筋，因为疼痛是肉眼看不见的，那么你一定是有什么严重的问题。你，作为一个人。
I’ve talked to people, even other athletes, who criticize Simone Biles or Naomi Osaka for “quitting.” She just can’t handle the pressure, she signed up for this, it’s her job to push all the way till the end, they’d say. That’s not how I see it. For an athlete, it’s one of the hardest things to shove away your ego and recognize when you need to step aside. Simone and Naomi said hey, maybe you don’t need to sacrifice your well-being for a medal or a title. Call them weak, but to me, they’re trailblazers, paving a path that allows athletes to finally feel seen, valid, and most of all, human.
我曾与一些人交谈，甚至是其他运动员，他们批评西蒙·拜尔斯(Simone Biles)或大阪直美(Naomi Osaka)“退出”。他们会说，她就是无法承受这种压力，她报名参加了，她的工作就是坚持到底。我不是这么看的。对于一个运动员来说，这是最困难的事情之一，你要抛开自我，意识到什么时候需要靠边站。拜尔斯和大阪直美说，嘿，也许你不需要为了一块奖牌或一个头衔而牺牲自己的幸福。你可以说他们软弱，但对我来说，他们是开拓者，他们铺就了一条道路，让运动员最终感到自己被关注、被认可，最重要的是，他们也是平常人。
I may not have nearly as large of a platform as Simone or Naomi, but I want to do my part in being more transparent, honest. To let others know that they’re not alone by finally exposing this vulnerable side of my underbelly I’ve kept shamefully hidden for so long. We might feel crushingly isolated in our struggle but there is always someone out there who feels the same way you do. The more people that speak out, the easier it will be in the future. Let’s normalize nourishing our minds just as much as we do our bodies.
我可能没有拜尔斯或大阪直美那么大的平台，但我想尽自己的一份力，变得更透明、更诚实。为了让别人知道，他们并不孤单，我终于暴露了自己隐藏了这么久的阴暗面。在我们的斗争中，我们可能会感到孤立无援，但总有人和你有同样的感受。越多的人站出来，未来就会越容易。让我们就像对待自己身体一样，滋养我们的精神世界。
Slowly, painstakingly so, I am beginning to learn how to unpack the toxic mindset I’ve internalized over the years. Realizing that it’s okay to reach out for help. And it’s okay to not be okay. The healing process isn’t linear. Growth isn’t linear. It’s a continuous cycle of ebb and flow. There will be days where you will feel seemingly okay and then be engulfed by a helpless wave of grief the very next. Sometimes you just need to sit in all that grief and sadness and anguish and allow it to wash over you.
慢慢地，经过艰苦的努力，我开始学习如何卸下我多年来内化的有害心态。意识到可以寻求帮助。有问题也没关系。愈合的过程不是线性的。增长并不是线性的。这是一个潮起潮落的循环。总有那么几天，你感觉还不错，但紧接着就被一股无助的悲伤浪潮吞没了。有时候，你只需要坐在那些哀怨、悲伤和痛苦中，让它们冲刷你。
I won’t say that it’s easy. It still hurts like hell. But through all the pain and suffering, I’ve unearthed a resilience I never even knew I had. I welcome the first slivers of self-compassion into my soul. The voice in my head is gradually becoming gentler, kinder. Seven-year-old Lily who first picked up a table tennis racket that one fated day wouldn’t have even dreamed about playing in the Olympics, let alone in three. I look to her, someone who once saw the beauty in this sport, in this life.
我不会说这很容易。还是痛的要命。但在所有的痛苦和折磨中，我发掘出了一种从未意识到自己所拥有的韧性。我欢迎第一丝自我同情进入我的灵魂。我脑海里的声音逐渐变得温和、亲切。在命中注定的某一天，七岁的莉莉第一次拿起了乒乓球拍，她甚至做梦都没想到自己会在奥运会上打球，更别说在三年后了。我看着她，这是一个曾经在这项运动中，在生活中看到美的人。
So now you ask, what’s next?
Pausing. Taking a minute to breathe deeply. Reveling in how far I’ve come. And giving myself permission to just be.
现在你问，下一步是什么？
暂停。花一分钟深呼吸。陶醉于我已经走了多远。并接纳自己。
Life After Tokyo – What’s Next?
东京之后的生活——下一步是什么?
Published September 1, 2021
by Lily Zhang（张安）
来源：https://joola.com/life-after-tokyo-whats-next/?refer_uri_app=douban://douban.com/group/topic/255173771?event_source=joined_group_list&group_id=729066&user_id=208080484&refer=douban%3A%2F%2Fdouban.com%2Fgroup%2F729066%3Fevent_source%3Djoined_group_list
I’ve started, trashed, and restarted this post too many times to count by now. It’s been almost 3 full weeks since the flame flickered out in Tokyo and as I sit down to write this, I feel a bit at loss for words. There’s a multitude of feelings snaking, swirling their way around and through me, feelings of gratefulness, heartbreak, even numbness, each clambering to claim their solitary throne in my head. A jumbled mess.
到现在为止，我已经开始，作废，并重新开始这篇文章太多次了。自从东京的圣火熄灭以来，已经整整三个星期了，当我坐下来写这篇文章的时候，我仍然感到有点不知所措。有许多种感觉在我的脑海中蜿蜒盘旋，感恩的感觉、心碎的感觉、甚至麻木的感觉，每种感觉都争先恐后地想要在我的脑海中独享王位。乱七八糟的。
This probably won’t be like my usual blog posts that are often peppered with positivity and words of encouragement. An easily digestible lesson you can take away at the end. I could write that despite the pandemic and postponement of the games, I bounced back to train with ferocious intensity and motivation. I could tell you that I had the time of my life in Tokyo. I could even say that I’m itching to get back on the table, to resume a mentally and physically demanding training schedule. Everyone loves a success story. Unfortunately, that’s not often the truth. I mean, you would never be able to tell by my Instagram, but that’s social media for you, isn’t it?
这可能不会像我平常的博客文章那样，经常夹杂着积极和鼓励的话。这是一个很容易消化的教训，你可以在最后带走。我可以这样写，尽管发生了疫情，奥运会也被推迟了，但我还是以强烈的强度和动力恢复了训练。我可以告诉你，我在东京度过了一生中最美好的时光。我甚至可以说，我渴望回到球台上，重新开始一个对精神和身体都要求很高的训练计划。每个人都喜欢成功的故事。不幸的是，事实往往并非如此。我的意思是，你永远无法从我的Instagram上看出来，但那是一个为了你们的社交媒体，不是吗?
We’re all fine online. No, not just fine. Thriving. We post the best parts of our life, subtly boasting to the world. Look at all the wonderful places I get to travel to! Check out this aesthetically pleasing plate of avocado toast! How terribly easy it is to pretend. The shimmering rays of sunshine we beam proudly on the surface, the icebergs we bury so deeply beneath.
我们在网上都很好。不，不只是很好，而是蓬勃发展。我们把生活中最美好的部分贴出来，巧妙地向全世界炫耀。看看我旅行去的那些美妙的地方！看看这盘赏心悦目的鳄梨吐司吧！假装是多么容易啊。我们在水面上骄傲地映射出闪烁的阳光，而将冰山隐藏在深深水下。
My feed is no different. The truth is, this year has been one of the toughest years of my life. I’ve struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety in the past, but it’s never been worse than the past year. Yes, there have been some incidents in the year that have deeply exacerbated my mental health decline and perhaps one day, I will feel ready to share, but for now, please bear with me as I try and articulate my experience as best I can.
我的经历也不例外。事实上，今年是我人生中最艰难的一年。过去我也曾与抑郁和焦虑作斗争，但从来没有比去年更糟糕。是的，这一年里发生了一些事件，严重加剧了我的心理健康下降，也许有一天，我会准备好了再分享，但现在，请原谅我，我只能尝试尽我所能地阐述我的经历。
The months that led up to Tokyo felt like a blur. All the days bleeding into one. Every time someone asked how I was doing, I’d clench my fists and desperately try to hold in the tears that would bubble up, threatening to spill over. The words that came out told a different story. I’m doing great!, I’d say. I wasn’t great. But how could I tell them the truth? That it’s been sleeping all day but feeling constantly tired. Crying into the pillow until my eyelids swelled in grotesque size. Scrambling to cover the red puffy splotches with makeup the next day. Being overcome with violent waves of nausea without explanation. Feeling impossibly overwhelmed by even the smallest of tasks. And it’s not that I didn’t want to dispel this suffocating weight. Many times I have come close to opening up, but was afraid to put a damper on the mood or cause any discomfort. The last thing anyone wants to be is a burden. So instead, I’d put on a smile and lie through my teeth, feeling like the biggest fraud on the planet.
去东京之前的几个月感觉就像一团浆糊。所有的日子都汇聚在一起。每次有人问我过得怎么样，我就握紧拳头，拼命忍住泪水，不让它满溢出来。然而这些话却变成了另一个故事。我做的很好！我想说。我并不是很好。但我怎么能告诉他们真相呢？即使睡了一整天，却总感觉很累。趴在枕头上哭，直到我的眼皮肿得奇形怪状，第二天匆忙用化妆品盖住红肿的斑点。无缘无故地被剧烈的恶心感所打倒，即使是最小的任务也让人感到难以承受。并不是我不想消除这令人窒息的重量。很多次，我几乎要敞开心扉了，但我害怕破坏气氛或引起任何不适。谁都不想成为负担。所以，我只好面带微笑，满口谎言，感觉自己是世界上最大的骗子。
I tried to ignore the signs, to focus the little energy I could muster on this singular goal. The Games. It was the only thing that mattered. I refused therapy, neglected self-care, pushed away loved ones, and isolated myself, all the while convincing myself that it was simply unrelenting dedication to my craft. The more I withdrew, the more this aching tiredness sunk its unforgiving teeth into my bones, building a comfortable home for itself there. Without even realizing it, I had become a shell of a human, a stranger to myself. The eyes that stared back at me in the mirror were sunken, empty, broken. No, they were not my own.
我试图忽略这些迹象，把我能集中的一点精力集中在这个单一的目标上。奥运会，这是唯一重要的事情。我拒绝接受治疗，忽视自我照顾，推开所爱的人，孤立自己，同时让自己相信，这只是对我职业的不懈奉献。我越是退缩，这种痛苦的疲倦就越是无情地咬进我的骨头，甚至在那里安家落户。我甚至没有意识到，我已经变成了一个空空的躯壳，一个陌生人。在镜子里盯着我的眼睛凹陷，空洞，破碎。不，它们不是我自己的。
By the time Tokyo rolled around, I was in complete disarray on the inside. The stress and adrenaline from the Games propelled me through my matches, but they were unremarkably average. I reached the third round in Women’s Singles, the same round as my 2016 Rio run. At the time, I attributed this devastating, yet strangely peaceful feeling eating at me directly after the match in part due to the fact that I wasn’t able to improve my result from the last Games. But I only now understand it was relief. Relief that it was all finally just over.
当东京奥运会开始举行时，我的内心已经完全混乱了。奥运会带来的压力和肾上腺素促使我完成了比赛，但它们并不是显著平均的。我进入了女子单打的第三轮，和我2016年在里约奥运会的比赛是同一轮。当时，我认为，在赛后出现这种毁灭性的，但奇怪的平静的感觉，部分原因是我没能比上一届奥运会取得更好的成绩。但我现在才明白，那是解脱感。终于结束了，我松了一口气。
Only a day later, news broke out that Simone Biles had withdrawn from the gymnastics team finals. I was stunned. What’s crazier is that my immediate reaction to the large headline plastered across my phone wasn’t hey is she okay?, but rather, how is the team going to win gold without her now? Process that for a second. In my warped, twisted mind, winning meant more than health.
仅仅一天之后，西蒙·拜尔斯(Simone Biles)退出体操队决赛的消息就传开了。我惊呆了。更疯狂的是，当我看到手机上的大标题时，我的第一反应不是“她还好吗？”，却是，现在没有她，队里怎么能赢得金牌？思考了片刻后，我才发现，在我扭曲的头脑中，胜利居然比健康更重要。
You know, I always thought I could handle everything by myself. Asking for help was a sign of weakness. Athletes push and push themselves to the limit, to the brink of exhaustion. No pain, no gain. But what happens when the pain becomes too much? Well, if it’s a physical injury, we take a break. We go to numerous doctor’s appointments, assess the point of injury, and put in the necessary time and effort to rehabilitate. There are no questions, no comments, no doubts about why we treat the hurt.
你知道吗，我一直以为我能自己处理好一切。寻求帮助是软弱的表现。运动员们不断地把自己推向极限，推向疲惫的边缘。没有付出就没有收获。但当疼痛过度时会发生什么呢？如果是身体上的伤，我们就休息一下。我们去看了很多医生，评估伤处，投入必要的时间和精力来恢复。对于我们为什么要治疗伤痛，我们没有任何问题，没有任何评论，没有任何疑问。
What about the other side of the spectrum? While there have been efforts to create safe spaces for athletes to seek help, there are still significantly fewer resources allocated towards mental health. Most of all, it’s the stigma that dissuades many athletes from taking the first step. There’s shame, guilt, humiliation. Because it’s not a broken arm or a strained hamstring, because the pain isn’t visible to the naked eye, then there must be something deeply wrong with you. You, as a person.
那么光谱的另一边呢？虽然已经努力为运动员创造寻求帮助的安全空间，但用于心理健康的资源仍然少得多。最重要的是，正是这种耻辱感阻止了许多运动员迈出第一步。羞耻，内疚，屈辱。因为这不是骨折的手臂或拉伤的腿筋，因为疼痛是肉眼看不见的，那么你一定是有什么严重的问题。你，作为一个人。
I’ve talked to people, even other athletes, who criticize Simone Biles or Naomi Osaka for “quitting.” She just can’t handle the pressure, she signed up for this, it’s her job to push all the way till the end, they’d say. That’s not how I see it. For an athlete, it’s one of the hardest things to shove away your ego and recognize when you need to step aside. Simone and Naomi said hey, maybe you don’t need to sacrifice your well-being for a medal or a title. Call them weak, but to me, they’re trailblazers, paving a path that allows athletes to finally feel seen, valid, and most of all, human.
我曾与一些人交谈，甚至是其他运动员，他们批评西蒙·拜尔斯(Simone Biles)或大阪直美(Naomi Osaka)“退出”。他们会说，她就是无法承受这种压力，她报名参加了，她的工作就是坚持到底。我不是这么看的。对于一个运动员来说，这是最困难的事情之一，你要抛开自我，意识到什么时候需要靠边站。拜尔斯和大阪直美说，嘿，也许你不需要为了一块奖牌或一个头衔而牺牲自己的幸福。你可以说他们软弱，但对我来说，他们是开拓者，他们铺就了一条道路，让运动员最终感到自己被关注、被认可，最重要的是，他们也是平常人。
I may not have nearly as large of a platform as Simone or Naomi, but I want to do my part in being more transparent, honest. To let others know that they’re not alone by finally exposing this vulnerable side of my underbelly I’ve kept shamefully hidden for so long. We might feel crushingly isolated in our struggle but there is always someone out there who feels the same way you do. The more people that speak out, the easier it will be in the future. Let’s normalize nourishing our minds just as much as we do our bodies.
我可能没有拜尔斯或大阪直美那么大的平台，但我想尽自己的一份力，变得更透明、更诚实。为了让别人知道，他们并不孤单，我终于暴露了自己隐藏了这么久的阴暗面。在我们的斗争中，我们可能会感到孤立无援，但总有人和你有同样的感受。越多的人站出来，未来就会越容易。让我们就像对待自己身体一样，滋养我们的精神世界。
Slowly, painstakingly so, I am beginning to learn how to unpack the toxic mindset I’ve internalized over the years. Realizing that it’s okay to reach out for help. And it’s okay to not be okay. The healing process isn’t linear. Growth isn’t linear. It’s a continuous cycle of ebb and flow. There will be days where you will feel seemingly okay and then be engulfed by a helpless wave of grief the very next. Sometimes you just need to sit in all that grief and sadness and anguish and allow it to wash over you.
慢慢地，经过艰苦的努力，我开始学习如何卸下我多年来内化的有害心态。意识到可以寻求帮助。有问题也没关系。愈合的过程不是线性的。增长并不是线性的。这是一个潮起潮落的循环。总有那么几天，你感觉还不错，但紧接着就被一股无助的悲伤浪潮吞没了。有时候，你只需要坐在那些哀怨、悲伤和痛苦中，让它们冲刷你。
I won’t say that it’s easy. It still hurts like hell. But through all the pain and suffering, I’ve unearthed a resilience I never even knew I had. I welcome the first slivers of self-compassion into my soul. The voice in my head is gradually becoming gentler, kinder. Seven-year-old Lily who first picked up a table tennis racket that one fated day wouldn’t have even dreamed about playing in the Olympics, let alone in three. I look to her, someone who once saw the beauty in this sport, in this life.
我不会说这很容易。还是痛的要命。但在所有的痛苦和折磨中，我发掘出了一种从未意识到自己所拥有的韧性。我欢迎第一丝自我同情进入我的灵魂。我脑海里的声音逐渐变得温和、亲切。在命中注定的某一天，七岁的莉莉第一次拿起了乒乓球拍，她甚至做梦都没想到自己会在奥运会上打球，更别说在三年后了。我看着她，这是一个曾经在这项运动中，在生活中看到美的人。
So now you ask, what’s next?
Pausing. Taking a minute to breathe deeply. Reveling in how far I’ve come. And giving myself permission to just be.
现在你问，下一步是什么？
暂停。花一分钟深呼吸。陶醉于我已经走了多远。并接纳自己。